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#1: jokes Author: neo_wraith, Location: planet earth currently
Posted: Fri Oct 12, 2007 6:43 pm
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Confession
Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done my child?"
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."
Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"
Girl: "Because he touched my hand."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he touched my breast."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."
Priest: "Like this?" (thinking he can lure this innocent as he takes off her clothes)
Girl: "Yes father."
Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."
Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)
Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"
Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."
Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"
Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says, "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say "Bless me, father, for I have sinned -- and you know my attorney, Mr.Cohen." (Bill Maher)
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying, "Yo!"
A Muslim optimist looks on the Sunni side of life.
A Muslim pessimist says, "Aw, Shi'ite!"
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK
1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH
1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH
1. He never got married
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN
1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN
1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN
1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CULTIST
1. He formed his own secret group of 12 followers
2. He claimed he had special connection to God
3. On the third day after his death he went up to the spaceship
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IN ADVERTISING
1. He found himself regularly praying for mercy
2. He liked to make big speeches at supper
3. He was adamant that even the most whopping sins can be forgiven
THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A RASTAFARIAN
1. He was from Babylon
2. He wore dread locks
3. His picture is on the zig-zag package
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet.
One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he was in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats. "That's awful expensive", but because of the position he was in agreed to the price.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies, and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says, "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that crap in here," says the priest.
A fellow was visiting the Vatican and became separated from his tour group. After wandering for awhile, he needed to relieve himself. He finally found a bathroom and wandered in. You can imagine his surprise to discover the Pope sitting on the toilet masturbating. Figuring that this would be an attraction few tourists ever saw, he snapped a couple of pictures. The Pope managed to recover his composure and offered the fellow $10,000 for the camera. The fellow decide to take him up on the offer and an exchange was arranged.
The camera was a pretty nice unit, so, after disposing of the film, the Pope decided he would use it on his world travels. One day while visiting a foreign country, one of the faithful noticed the Pope's camera and remarked that it was quite a unit. He then asked, "How much did you pay for it?"
"Ten thousand dollars."
"Wow, the guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
On the third day, Jesus rose, shoved open the door of his tomb, and walked again on earth.
As he was leaving, a passer-by pointed out that Jesus had left the door open.
"What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
With his life was ruined, his family killed, and his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why God? Why me?"
The thundering voice of God answered, "There's just something about you that pisses me off."
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
"Isn't it crazy with all these church scandals? I'm beginning to understand how all those Bibles ended up in hotel rooms."
—Jay Leno
After God created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. God said, "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"
The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."
Adam replied, "What can I get for a rib?"
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?
He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog
What was the last thing Christ said?
"Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Did you hear that being savior wasn't Jesus' first career choice?
He wanted to be a lawyer, but got nailed on his boards
Why can't Jesus eat M&M's?
They keep falling through his hands
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
Jesus walks into a hotel, tosses three nails on the counter and says, "Put me up for the night!"
Why were most of Jesus' apostles fishermen and NOT cabinet makers?
Because then Jesus would have had to say, "Drop your drawers and follow me"
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A Mechanic
Why don't Baptists make love standing up?
Because it might lead to dancing
What did the Zen Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything
What is every Amish woman's private fantasy?
Two Mennonite
What happened to the guy who couldn't pay his exorcist?
He was repossessed
What do you call a Muslim roofing contractor?
Shiite on a shingle
What happened after the Indians' prom?
It rained for months
An old man went into the confession booth at the Catholic church and told the priest: "I am 82 years old and have been faithfully married to the same woman for 55 years, but last night I had the time of my life with two 18 year old twin sisters."
The Priest replied (as he mopped sweat from his brow): "How long has it been since you've been to confession?" The old man said, "I've never been to confession. I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then what are you doing here, telling me this?"
Old man: "Hey, I'm telling everybody."
Jesus was out walking one day, when he came across a stoning. Jesus looked at the crowd and then said, "The person amongst this crowd who has no sin shall throw the first stone."
A man at the back of the crowd yelled, "Come on, Jesus! You always want to go first!"
well folks im sure going to hell now ill light the bbq....
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